Stories from the Stairwell
- Tara Whiteman-Fager
- Mar 20
- 30 min read
"Turning the Lights on Domestic Violence: Not Just Physical"
Season 3
Episode 3
Featuring: Mel. B.
This segment of "Stories from the Stairwell" offers listeners a chance to sit in on this two part conversation among life long friends.
Join Green Eyed Jay (also known as Jeremy Grant-Skinner) and Tara Whiteman-Fager as they process an interview they held with an ol’ friend from way back when…
Green Eyed Jay and Tara discuss their hometown experiences of growing up in
rural New York State. In their storytelling they take listeners on a metaphorical track practice as they jog up a stairwell leading to their high school and also explore other areas of town.
As they do so, the co-hosts address transgenerational trauma in its many forms.
In this episode they shed light on domestic violence after reuniting with Mel B., a friend and former track teammate. Mel B. is a survivor of mental, emotional and physical abuse.
Tune in as they spill the tea on the topic and extract insights from this exclusive in person interview with Mel B. In addition, Tara and Green Eyed Jay talk about a domestic situation at a Friendsgiving celebration that changed their lives as well as others, forever.
Remember to subscribe to Now's The Time for immediate updates!
Disclaimer:
Triggering content may include, but is not limited to, occasional harsh language, talk of trauma and mentions of other controversial topics.
Please note that no part of this podcast is to be considered professional, psychological or medical advice. Please seek treatment if you are in crisis.
The Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text 88788
To listen to the two part discussion between Green Eyed Jay and Tara (Episode 3 "Turning the Lights on Domestic Violence: Not Just Physical"):
To read the post Tara references in this podcast regarding her "embedded" "buzz termed" "gibberish" blog post, written years ago in honor of kin who were experiencing domestic violence:
To listen to the introduction portion of the original in person interview with Mel B., click here.
Read Below for the transcript of the original in person interview with Mel B.
October 2025
Podcast Season 3 Episode 3 Audio Recording Edited & Transcribed
Guest: Mel B. (Name altered for safety and privacy purposes)
Interview Begins:
Tara
Jeremy, I'm going to turn it over to you. Go ahead and let us know where we are in time, bend that time, and what we're doing, please.
GEJ
Yes, Tara, we are here. Now's The Time in a season that you have introduced as a space for stories from the stairwell. And as we get to talk to our guests today, our guest is someone who knows the same stairwell that we're referring to. In those stories from the stairwell, we shared that we went to a high school with 90 steps, count them, 90…
out in front and we have some shared experiences on those steps and we're, here, as you said, and talked about in past episodes, “doing everything by doing nothing” (The Zen of Oz reference). We're, here together on those stairs, hanging out, maybe, on a jog seeing what comes up. And sometimes when we're in that space together, what comes up is the opportunity to spend time with, some other really interesting people
…
Who have their own stories and ideas and lessons to share. So I'm excited about that today. And we also were having this conversation about how to describe what you continue to do in this space. And you described it to me as, you know, we sort of walk into the room turn the light on and go. ⁓ Do you wanna say more about your thoughts about that metaphor?
Tara
I do. want to make sure that I delivered it properly. We go into the room and we turn the light on and we say go, but we don't leave the room. We stay there with the people to talk it out, walk it out, work it out.
GEJ
We also know that you, Tara, and any guest who comes on this show has their own experiences and knowledge and often know something that might be useful for others to understand more. We talked about, sometimes… there are moments where you want to provide some light explanation for something that has come up and doing that without…
I don't know, what's the alternative- that some people have told you before?
Tara
Okay, okay. I know where you're leading me to. ⁓ Okay, so when I went into my first therapy for experiencing side effects to being exposed to transgenerational (TGT) and familial trauma, one in the same if you want, through domestic violence at some point…many points.
…
The ACEs, which we've referenced many times thanks to our friend Angela, the adverse childhood experiences that could impact us for the rest of our lives. So I started experiencing some of these side effects as an adult and I thought to myself, or my soul screamed, this isn't acceptable. So I found myself in therapy.
Talk therapy was extremely triggering for me. I think we all know what a trigger is, but Jeremy, would you while I'm finishing my story, just come up with a definition for trigger, just to make sure that we are not leaving anybody who's “coming in on the end of this run” behind, let's fill them in kind of thing.
So instead I found myself in alternative therapy, somebody who was conventionally trained but ended up going into evolutionary astrology. This was very key for me, it kind of was like my integration coming… I could see myself through the storyline of these stars and charts and my north node and south node. It helped me navigate…
my internal and external situations that were at war with each other, which was bringing me physical pain and other issues. That put me on this trail, this life's work.
Well, I'm telling my evolutionary astrologer, as she's explaining to me about Capricorns, especially those who've experienced something like my biography, or, you know, just my life experiences…
I was telling her what I wanted to do with my career, with my knowledge, with my privilege. We had some back and forth; she was telling me, it's totally possible! You can do this. The problem is, is you sound like a know it all. So people get really turned off by you.
And I think that's what you're getting at, right? So instead of me getting too passionate about trying to include everybody from every little perspective…
what I've learned, is, I don't mean to come off as a “know it all”. I'm just trying to relate and get as much as I know out there. So when I go into that “room” we were talking about and we turn on that “light” and we close the door and we stay in there with our community, like we had too many times in that small town of ours, we were each other's resources - advocating for each other.
I turn on the “light” and I say, look, “This is what I know about transgenerational trauma. This is what I know about domestic violence.“ Then I look to the other people in the room to say, “This is what I know.” Then we work together to educate and help people out of those situations. And one of my favorite parts is when we get inspirational stories from people who've been in “it” and survived “it”.
GEJ
That was awesome. We heard a lot about what you bring to the space and it's never intended to be, “I know it all”, but rather “let's learn together.” And you asked about a trigger. I think of a trigger as a hot button. It's something, whether it is an experience, a word, a name, an image that creates a large reaction.
Because it touches on something that's deeply felt or deeply ingrained. You might often hear about a “trigger warning”… knowing when something might touch on one of those hot buttons.
Tara
So here we are giving our TRIGGER WARNING that we will be talking about domestic violence today. This idea came to us in October, which is the month dedicated for awareness of domestic violence. I happened to be looking through my social media, and I saw someone from our hometown who had courageously and very bravely posted something about surviving domestic violence. What grabbed my attention was that she spoke about the mental, emotional, not just the physical. That made me reach out to her and then to you. And so here we are. I hand it over to you, Jay.
GEJ
Well, with all this intro, I am excited that we get to invite our guests into the space. So Mel, welcome. We are so happy to have time together to talk today. I will say for me, I remember fondly many, many runs, long runs is what I remember on a sports team together way back when…
MelB
I am so glad to be here. Thank you for having me. I too have fond memories of both of you in track and running and doing things. Man-Hunt runs especially, because I could sniff you out Jeremy. I could tell where you were just by your laundry soap. I still talk about that, I'm not gonna lie.
GEJ
I believe I just turned very red with this description of being able to “smell me out” literally in Man-Hunt runs!
MelB
I could smell your detergent. I could! You had a very distinct detergent from your house or whatever. And I'd be like, “snfff” - there he is! I knew you were in my vicinity. I just had, have a good nose, I guess.
Tara
Jeremy, do you remember when we had a mishap in a Home Ec class, somebody put a little bit too much detergent in the washer and it was flowing out all over the floor. We were running around and slipping and sliding, some intentionally some by accident. Those were some pretty crazy days. Do you remember that?
GEJ: Nods with a reminiscent smile.
MelB
I liked the smell and still do Jeremy. When I smell it now, I immediately think of you and those days.
Tara
Jeremy, we were talking about the term Trigger…so that's an example of where if we removed judgment on the experience itself, it's not necessarily a negative thing, but just the literal definition of something that sparks our neurology, brain, nerves, etc, telling us to pay attention.
So Mel B’s trigger of you and track days is: a specific laundry detergent. Same neurology - different interpretation based on individual experiences, circumstances, and so on. I tend to notice when talking with people who are mental health conscientious, we as a society often talk only about dark or bad triggers and we forget to focus at times, on the power of the positive triggers. As in this case where a scent brings Mel B. and now us, including our listeners to a place of joy. At least I think that it was a fun story.
Transitioning…
Jeremy, do you have anything more you want to say before I go for it, before I dive in there with our guest?
Jeremy shakes his head.
Tara
Mel, thank you again for showing up today. Let’s start with the talk about triggers.
I want to give you an honest story. When I was looking at social media some years ago, I believe you were actively experiencing what we're here to talk about today, you had posted an image of yourself. It triggered an awful memory of mine regarding my personal experience with domestic violence.
Now, without knowing what was going on with you specifically, something in your face, in the original post many moons ago, spoke to me in some way. If I were to tell the story now looking back, that image of you, spoke to me and showed me, at least my interpretation was that you were not living but only surviving; perhaps due to excessive coping and managing behind the scenes, just something about you, knowing you all my life in some capacity or another, something about you looked different yet familiar to me.
If you have listened to past episodes, you heard Green Eyed Jay, Jeremy, and I talking some about the hardships of growing up in a small town and whatnot. But one thing is for sure, growing up rural, we know how to make connections and we maintain that connection to the point where even if we haven't talked to each other in years, simply scrolling through social media and such, seeing an image, then suspecting that something doesn’t seem right, you can probably bet money on - that it’s not! As was confirmed by your post this past October, bringing us here. Present time.
Unfortunately, it has taken all this time for me to have the courage to reach out and speak openly with you about it. Thanks to your domestic violence awareness post in October, we are finally here.
So re-capping:
I saw you many years ago on socials, that made me feel a certain way about you…a concern. I was too triggered to reach out. I contacted Jeremy to sort it out.
Sadly, I couldn’t get it together enough in my triggered state to contact you and talk direct, so, I instead, I had to reach out to Jeremy and I said, "This is bothersome to me. I don't know exactly what's going on, but I've seen this before."
After some talking with him, it was then that I unraveled and confessed to my life-long friend that what was going on in my memory bank, disturbing me so, was that I had witnessed it for my own birth mother and not only to the extent that he knew of back then. But major. Yes, I had witnessed it then, but it didn’t register until she passed away and I finally had peace knowing she had peace, and…well now I could think it out…work it out…now that I finally had a taste of peace knowing she was resting after all she had experienced as a result of transgenerational trauma.
Exposed growing up and in her chosen relationship adult life. She was a victim of domestic violence and it was normalized.
The normalization of it lived with me and my brother right up to his dying days.
For example, when the nurse was screening for his risk factors, likely for research for things like the ACE’s, she asked him if he had ever experienced any types of abuse, listing them: Substance, physical, sexual, verbal, anything?
He said, No. So I was the whistleblower, I was the person who turned the light on in that room with my dying brother and the nurse, who when she looked to me for input, I said, Yes, all of those. Then I looked at my brother and I was like, really?
But to be honest, I knew he could not retaliate, because, he was too advanced in his cancer.
Tara
Awkward but healing laughter.
To sum up my end of this ridiculously long story, when I was on the death ride with my brother, as he and I called it, on his last ever birthday, we took our first and final family vacation. A road trip to the Football Hall of Fame. Where locked in and safe we talked very openly. One of the things we talked about was how he lied at that visit. But with toxic loyalty out of the picture, that experience, seeing our mother be beat, up or down, repetitively, mentally, emotionally and physically, plus all the byproducts of it and the environments that allowed it, shaped and impacted us both FOR LIFE!
So, that’s a little more talk and tales from this tattooed woman.
Including a little history of you and I and why I've invited you on today.
To tell your story and see what we can lend to each other and if they so choose, other people.
Moving on!
Mel, tell us a little bit about your story.
MelB
Let me begin with that I had a really good childhood. The world was a great place in my eyes. I was a late 90’s high school graduate. Even in my 20s and 30s, I thought, the world is a great place. Of course I knew there were bad people out there but they hadn’t impacted me. Until 2016 which is when I reconnected with somebody that I used to date off and on in the past.
In hindsight, I realize I probably should have stayed away from him all together. There's reasons for that, right? I had dated him but I broke up with him for a reason years ago. Unfortunately, I ignored my gut the second time around and every time after. Well, despite my gut, we ended up talking and he was a very manipulative person, but I didn't see that then. And...we ended up getting married.
Tara
Did he show any signs of being abusive?
MelB
Not at first. The only hint of it was his ability to manipulate me with words, to do what he wanted by making me feel good or bad. Grooming tactics.
Tara
Tell me about your wedding.
MelB
I did a complete unorthodox thing. See, he was in prison and I started writing to him in prison. Eventually we got married …in prison.
MelB
So when you're with somebody that's in prison, all it is, is phone calls and letters back and forth. No real life, day to day interactions or struggles. So after a while, even in the letters, it became a manipulative thing that I didn't see. My parents saw it apparently because I'd left a note out, a letter out, and they'd read it and they'd be like, “ugh,” with disgust, and then tell me about it, but I wasn't interested in hearing that.
What he said was...everything to me, which is crazy because to begin with, he was in prison, like where was my brain? But what he was doing through grooming me was just like laying a foundation that I wasn't aware of...until later.
Tara
Thank you for telling us about your individual and personal experience with domestic violence. I envision it to be a hard thing to do. You mentioned the word grooming and did a great job of explaining your experience with it. An inside view now out. Did you ever experience gaslighting? Before going there, Jeremy can you please get us a definition of that word?
GEJ
Sure, my summary of what I read as gaslighting is when someone is deliberately distorting facts or memories to make someone else doubt their own mindset, facts, memories, experiences. Did that ever happen to you MelB?
MelB
That happened later.
Tara
You mentioned ignoring your gut...saying there was a reason you broke up with him the first time. Let’s move back to your family who had identified some red flags. He was in prison. Which meant you were only communicating by phone calls and letters and during this time, he was grooming you. Grooming you into what?
MelB
Well. Not myself. Not me, you know, slowly making me be somebody that I didn’t recognize. Looking back clearly it wasn't me. When we communicated over letters and phone though, our life was easy. When he was in prison, it was just easy to date him because when he was dysfunctional or abusive, I didn’t have to be around that, right?
As we continued, my thinking was, "Okay, he won’t act out towards me as long as I do this very simple thing: Write him a letter. So I send him a letter and then I'm off to do whatever I'm doing. I didn't trigger him by not writing a letter and in doing so, there was no punishment. And so I thought inside, "Ok fine, this long distance relationship thing is easy!" Well, it didn't end up easy.
Because when he got out of prison, it ALL really began problem-wise. For example: I was texting a girlfriend and he reacted like I was hiding things from him. And then it just escalated. So what started as manipulation, grooming, then turned into criticizing different things about me, like if I rolled my eyes too much. Or my personality is to default to sarcasm. I am aware of it and by my sarcasm never goes away.
When if I rolled my eyes or said something sarcastic to him, his face would get red and then he would get physical with me. I don’t remember the first time it got physical but when it did, it immediately escalated to really bad. I can't even tell you to this day what would make him hit me, but I've had broken eye sockets and broken ribs...multiple broken ribs. They first diagnosed me with COPD because they could not tell what the issue was...Then found out later I had broken ribs.
Tara
Hello?
NTT and MelB lose connection
Tara
Okay, she'll come back.
Welcome to upstate rural New York where our internet is definitely a little different. I don't know. Is that true, Jeremy? Or is that just some stereotype I've assigned to Fort Plain?
GEJ
True.
MelB
Hi!
Tara
There she is!
That's okay. We took the moment to give a wisecrack about the internet.
MelB
I got booted!
Tara
No worries. Okay. You're doing great by the way. Let’s pick it back up from here. You stated that you don't remember exactly why or how his abuse got physical.
…Mel, you literally hit the nail on the head in explaining your experience with grooming abuse tactics being used on you leading to physical and now I can understand how sneaky it can be. You experienced physical abuse eventually, but long before that you were experiencing emotional and mental abuse, through grooming, which I have read is one of the hardest experiences to identify and to seek help for, these covert kinds of abuses.
How do you report to someone like an officer seeking help without a way to validate your side, your experience… essentially, proof? This is why I am an advocate of journaling and record keeping.
In hearing your story I understand you define your childhood as great. No apparent traumas. Exposures. According to statistics you're an anomaly in that case. Your models in life were not dysfunctional. You didn't witness abuse or anything like that behavior. So by definition, you shouldn't be as susceptible to have experienced it but yet you did, and in my eyes, by talking about it, are evening the playing field, showing truths about the topic of abuse and showing that it can happen to anyone!
Statistics or not, here we are. Here you are. And as a survivor. So I want to ask you:
What inspired you to share your story publicly not only on social media, but to accept our invite for today’s interview?
MelB
I have not spoken out about my abuse really to anyone at all. My boyfriend knows a little. He knows more than most. A couple of friends from high school that I still connect with, they know. But it wasn't something that I had said or had done. I decided to speak out because I wanted others to know that it's not just like the stereotypical person it happens to you know what I mean? It's not just that typical abused person storyline that you think of from the afterschool specials we grew up watching.
Tara
There is no judgment in my next question. What took you so long to speak out against domestic violence?
MelB
It just took a lot of time to get through my own crap. I have my own stuff right? So like, it felt hard to speak up when I have my own stuff going on that I had to manage and was struggling with…
Can we go back to the topic of triggers really quick? I just had a thought.
Tara nods.
MelB
So I just thought about a specific trigger that to this day if I experience, I am out of the room. Just like that. Although I get triggered less, it is far and few between but if someone in a room yells at me really loudly or yells around me, I am out! Nope, not dealing with that. If a voice gets to a certain octave, if anger is driving it, I am no longer the type of person who is gonna deal with that at any point in time. We are done here.
Tara
Is that something that developed as a result of being in an abusive relationship or have you always tended that way?
MelB
Yes absolutely due to the relationship. Before him, I was able to stand up for myself. Hypothetically, if necessary, I would get into somebody's face with no fear of retaliation, none. And now I am not getting into anybody's face because I don't know what's behind their mask.
Tara
Which is unfortunate that you feel you need to be silent or leave if there is conflict in a room, not condoning yelling but I think you understand what I mean. There is healthy conflict. It is a necessary lifeskill. Although yelling shouldn’t happen sometimes it does, if we are being real. Let’s point out that this is still impacting you years after your leaving him, you left his physical space and the way I see it, if I were to tell your story it is as if your body and your mind and your heart can't yet, even though the physical threat of him is gone, in those stressful fight or flight moments, your parts struggle to get synced up enough to tolerate ANY yelling. Your amygdala is on fire from traumatic experiences in your past.
MelB
Nods
Tara
Mel, may we talk about what you did to get help. At some point you must have had to involve others based on what I am hearing...?
MelB
So I've had, you know, police officers come to the house due to my mom once, a friend once also called the cops to protect me. And the police officers do what they can but, there's just not enough training. There is not enough help. So when they came they asked me Are you in a safe space? Meanwhile, the man I’m in danger of is right behind me. So I didn’t feel safe to say no in front of him.
I went to the hospital and they're like, Are you in an abuse situation? Again, he's sitting right there. Inside, No, I'm not in a safe space anywhere he. But I am afraid to say it out loud.
Tara
You're on a wonderful thread there, Mel. One of the complicating factors with domestic violence is that there really is no cookie cutter version of it so it is a challenge for officials to identify it sometimes. There is no clearly defined way to handle it because there are so many factors and personalities, histories at play. Unless you have video and actual record and witnesses it might be hard to prove it is happening.
How did you come out of the situation? Are you divorced?
MelB
He ended up hurting me again. Battery and I called my mom, and I said, come get me. The cops were called. I finally spoke out and told her to call the cops. I had a lot of bruises on my body my mother helped me photograph them and show the police. After that, I just never went back. Period. The divorce is still ongoing. He refuses to sign the paperwork.
Tara
So you didn’t plan an exit strategy, it simply came to a head and the abuse was undeniable.
An exit strategy, that's something that's important. For some, it is one step at a time.
I believe some people who ask why a victim didn’t speak up sooner is because they don’t realize how silently a victim has to plan the exit strategy. And that can be very challenging on a person deciding how and when they're going to go in order to keep the drama as minimal as possible and their safety as guarded as can be.
Now talk about who you are today.
MelB (39:13)
I am a different person now. I went into a different career. I was in nursing this whole time, like twenty years of nursing. I switched that. I went into corporate world, which is crazy, but I love it and I'm good at it. And then I got in a relationship with somebody that is naturally empathetic to my situation. We don't fight. It's all communication. We hash it out.
We got there by, in the beginning we talked for hours every day and just broke it down, how we wanted it to be. He related to my experience because he was in a controlling relationship with his ex. We fought demons together. Healed together and now we are in a loving relationship that is happy. It feels great. If I were to share a visual, it feels like the clouds lifted basically, like wherever I was before, was a fog that I was just kind of like crawling through. Once I acted for myself by leaving him, it just lifted and now it's clear skies ahead at this point. Like I've seen the worst, can't imagine, what else is there? I've seen the worst of the world and I have a different mindset because remember in the beginning of this journey, I had never thought of or experienced something really bad like this in the world.
Tara
So you went through a lot of transformation and integration and basically saw the dark side and the light side. The way you view yourself now is you were once crawling through a fog and now you see nothing but clear skies. What I like about your analogy is that you're being present in the moment. Making reference to the past but not living in it. You are looking forward but not expecting perfection. You are saying that compared to your first relationship, this relationship feels healthy and is interdependent. You found a common trauma point, abuse in some form from a past significant other, worked as friends to heal it and now have a romantic relationship where you share openly and communicate efficiently.
Do you guys take therapy together?
MelB
We don't.
Tara
Is there a reason that you guys do not?
MelB
I don't think I have fully coped with my own thing on my own? However, he did go to therapy and he had good outcomes with it. I have not. I probably should eventually down the road. But as of right now, I am not in active therapy.
Tara
Do you feel that resources for therapy are limited where you live?
MelB
The Internet connection cuts out again.
Connection re-established.
MelB
I'm sure there's therapy all around where I live now. I have access to it through work, too, where I could reach out if I had too.
Tara
Do you feel comfortable Mel to tell me why you don't seek therapy for yourself? As noted in the original social media post you made that caught my attention, followed by the second, we agree that emotional and mental effects of abuse last a lot longer in most cases, than the physical abuse.
So what inhibits you or what tells you not to go to therapy for what you have been through?
MelB
I'm not at a point where it's telling me not to go. I'm not saying therapy is bad for anybody. Therapy can be anything. So like I'll write or listen to music or be creative. Like I don't need to necessarily go and blast off on this therapist that's just gonna tell me the stuff I already know.
Tara
I appreciate what I'm hearing because that's part of what I practice and I preach, so to speak. I talk about healing coming from within, intuition, gut trust and I talk about lifting the veil and becoming aware of your situation in both directions, both in the dark and in the light. Then making a choice what to develop.
I myself prefer to do things independently, that feel natural to me, even if it's the longer, harder path at times. And that is a blessing and it is also a burden. But I like to have trusted external guidance too.
What role has community or faith, if applicable, helped you in your healing journey?
MelB
That's a really great question.
There is no faith. I'm not religious at all. So that's not a thing. If I pray, it's to the religion of me. If I feel upset or stuff is going on, I'll talk to my partner or a friend, or I will write it down. Like I've always been a writer. I will write. I've said that I should write a book about all of this experiences that I've been through.
Tara
So I applaud you for that. I wrote a book about my mother wound which resulted in part due to domestic violence exposure. Scientific Poetry and Prose; An Abstract Prequel to the Talk and Tales of the Tattooed Women. So I endorse the idea of writing books for healing purposes.
Ok Mel, I must ask. As a nurse of twenty years, now out of the field…do you think that there is a connection between trauma and the physical state of the human body? As a nurse and as a survivor, do you believe mental emotional trauma can impact the physical body?
MelB
Yes. It is as simple as anytime you feel sad and there's depression for example, other parts of your body end up getting neglected. There is definitely a connection with it. If your mind's not right, your body's not right. It correlates. It is all connected. Absolutely.
Tara
What do you think are some misconceptions people have about domestic violence?
MelB
The biggest misconception that people have with it, is along the lines of the question posed by those who don’t understand how confusing it can be. Why didn't you leave? Why did you stay? It isn’t like I didn’t want to. Of course that's your initial reaction anytime you're attacked is to leave, right?
So the misconception is that we don’t want to leave when in fact we do, but for so many reasons, we might not be able to. In one case for me, my phone was broken, it was stomped and smashed so I couldn’t leave that moment.
The animals. I didn’t want to leave my animals and he wasn’t about to let me have them. For me, I had lost hope. When I did think of reasons and ways to leave they would seem unrealistic so I would just push those ideas far down. So the misconception of people not wanting to leave is not a reality. Everybody in that situation wants to leave. Nobody wants to get their ass kicked, period.
Not even a boxer wants to get hit, really. He wants to win. He wants to be the hitter not get hit.
GEJ
Mel, I heard you share throughout this time so many elements of what domestic violence can look like, the abuse itself. When you talked about as someone who wanted to leave but couldn’t muster up the ability to do so because even a thought of something like pets altered your thinking. Hearing you talk about that reminded me of this other thing that I saw.
So, I recently was listening to a podcast with Mariska Hargitay who plays Olivia Benson…
on one of the Law and Order episodes, which I'm a big fan of. And she is an advocate for domestic violence awareness. And that led me to learn about this wheel that exists. It's called the power and control wheel. And it similarly describes the various types of abuse, intimidation, threats that can be a part of what many people experience.
While opening this topic for conversation, Tara and I learned in fact, one in four women and something like one in ten men experience domestic violence during their lives. So I appreciate that you've brought into this space some real life examples and with that awareness of the various types of abuse that can affect someone. In addition I thank you for bringing more light to the situation as to why it really can be difficult to get out.
Also, one of the things I came across while researching a bit for today’s discussion, is a resource that describes what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. And what I am hearing is that now you are in a relationship that has those signs. What has that been like for you to, after what you experienced now you have an opportunity to experience a relationship that has a lot of signs of health.
MelB
Comparing the life from before to after is just absolutely amazing. There is so much laughter. My family loves him, which is so big because when you're in a domestic abusive relationship, family kind of floats away. So there wasn't a lot of familial touchbacks because they just stopped responding.
So for me now, to have all of the people that I love and to just be happy is a dream.
GEJ
Well it looks like the internet connection was lost again.
Tara
We are having a glitch! We had a freeze.
Mel can you hear me?
MelB
Yeah.
GEJ
Let’s pick up where we left off. You were telling us how your family and life felt compared to before and now.
MelB
My life. So my family, my kids, my boyfriend's family, his kids, we're all integrated, it's all happy. I mean there are bumps and bruises along the way because life is not an easy ride ever but that's the point. It cannot always be sunshine and rainbows and I wouldn’t want to live that life anyway.
GEJ
I love hearing where you've been and where you are now… you have been through a journey. So thanks for being so open with us and sharing today.
Mel, what is your experience with the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We heard earlier that it is not always the case that law enforcement individuals have been properly trained to be as helpful as we need them to be in these situations. One important resource that we would like to mention and put out there is the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
You can chat or text or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Have you any experience with that?
MelB
I have utilized the National Domestic Violence hotline. I have stayed in a domestic violence house. It was more like a hotel. They are helpful, but they only can do what they can do, right? And you just have to be anonymous while you're there. It was temporary relief for me.
Tara
I actually have provided services in the past in these homes for women. For a brief period, I served a house in Albany. Then again for a short time when I moved to Chicagoland. The facilities I was at, were very well run but Mel is right, for some it is only temporary relief. That said, I do know several who have found their way out through the use of these resources.
I urge people in need or those who have capacity to help in such facilities, to look into where these homes are. Also, another simple or discrete way for a parent to get help is through the school right? Jeremy, if someone came to you or your staff in the school district, you would be able to take steps in filtering families to where they needed to be right?
GEJ
A helpful referral, yes.
Tara
Let us all take a breath. That was intense. Green Eyed Jay do you have anything to lighten the mood for us a bit?
GEJ
Why yes I do. Mel, have you ever heard of the Spice Girls?
MelB
Of course!
GEJ
Yes, I was going to ask whether you have a positive or negative or neutral association with them.
MelB
With the Spice Girls? I mean, I've watched Spice World. They had a slow song that the Baby Spice used to sing. I used to like that song. My boyfriend though, he will sing Wannabe to the top of his lungs. Wannabe was overplayed for sure.
GEJ
Well, the reason I asked that is today as we were getting ready to come together and name the tracks for recording purposes, Tara said we needed a last initial for Mel and the thought “Mel B” occurred to me. Mel B is one of the Spice Girls for those who don’t know. Then I got a crazy thought to look her up, especially seeing as it has been several years. I didn’t know this going in but it turns out Mel B has a valid and particular association with our topic of discussion today.
While following my curiosity, I learned that Mel B is actually a survivor of domestic abuse and an advocate for domestic violence awareness and has been so for seven or eight years, something like that! Rather interesting correlation.
MelB
Yeah, given that information I'm down with it. She's also a scary Spice and I'm okay with that too.
Group laughter
GEJ
Great. thank you. That for me, Mel B, is a great case of synchronicity. And for me, there's some elements of energy that Tara and I, we have a great back and forth about, and listeners know, I am not 100% in on energy but I’m open to learning at the same time. And one of the things that actually feels really cool to me are these ideas, moments of synchronicity where I might look up Mel B and realize that Mel B is directly connected to the topic that we're having today. I didn’t know that prior. So I like how things can come together.
MelB
That is amazing and it's fun.
Tara
Mel, I want to revisit a topic we touched on before. Jeremy, any more you want to say before I go?
GEJ
No. Take it away.
Tara
So Mel, as we both were kind of chit-chatting earlier, you said conventional talk therapy wasn’t your thing. And that instead you pray to yourself, I feel that. In my eyes you are doing your version of healing to your comfort and that’s self-care. Loving and honoring yourself and respecting the voice from within. You have come to see yourself one and the same with what I would call source…
MelB
I am my Savior.
Tara
To get to the point where you trust in yourself and your innate so deeply ~ must be a super challenging but amazing experience. Once you have come through something like that and have survived it, you do have a different perception and perspective on things. Like you, therapy was a hard no for me at first. For several reasons. It simply wasn’t my first go to but I did eventually add it to my tool box of self care tools. But before I could do therapy, I had another tool that I heavily used. You had mentioned briefly that you used paper and pen. Me too.
Post therapy I began a different ritual to honor my growth during my journey.
Using ink in a different form. Tattooing.
Fairly recently I sustained an insult. It took everything in me to not react. What I turned to was a written response. Not an explanation, not a reaction.
What I heard was: If you're getting tattooed in your forties, there must be something wrong with you, severely wrong with you.
I coach that when a trigger hits, scan your body. Notice colors and sensations. Then write about it. I also practice this when I can. I took the time. I worked through it and this is what I wrote in response:
It was July of 2014 as predated on the top. I was 34. I had just lost my mother to cancer, my marriage, and almost lost my third son to a medical world that gaslit me. I had no one to stick up for me. I was alone. I didn't know what I was doing tattooing wise, but I felt called to. And when she died, I knew I needed to feel a sensation that said I still existed for a reason. Some safe pain. There is nothing wrong with me.
I began getting tattooed after I had children and after I lost my mother. I was from the backwoods (as you once said). I didn't know anything. I parented without any female support my entire life from the time I was a young girl, a mother wound, the topic of my project. This tattoo was named Artemis. Legend has it that Artemis and her mother had a strained relationship but loved each other just and fiercely.
I needed to tell myself stories about my birth mother to survive after she died. I was separated from her more than once. And although I'm glad it happened, it still hurt me and my feeling of belonging...root chakra issues. That's when I got my first one, my first tattoo. Not in my forties. Thanks for challenging me to look it up. Initially shame came over me with that statement/question of your's. But only for a moment.
With this new wave of light, it's washed away now. I needed to do the research of the first one for the upcoming book anyway. Thank you for the motivation.
Then Mel, I went and got this tattoo.
Tara shows the guest.
Do you have a tat?
MelB
First, I would say good comeback! I love it!
About the tattoo.
Yes I have tattoos.
I do. I have a cartoon character tattoo on my back right hip. I got that when I was 18 in Canada on a senior trip. The rest of the class went to Virginia and we went to Canada so we could drink because we thought we are of age, turns out, we were not. So the tattoo happened instead. And I have another tattoo on my left side.
MelB
That has a P and a R which is my familial last names connected and I drew it myself and then had somebody ink it while in Florida.
Tara
Nice!
Make sure to let me know if you get another one, okay? I definitely want to know the story behind it and you know where to find me.
Tara
How did your parents take the tattoo you got when you were 18?
Mel
I said Dad, look at this tattoo, isn't it great? And he's like, That's nice, wipe it off. I'm like, Whoa, it's there forever. In the end they just teased me and said it will get saggy. And I'm just going to let you know Mom and Dad it has not got saggy.
Tara
Well then apparently you went to an excellent tattoo artist or perhaps you have great genes! Jeremy, is there anything else you want to add in here?
GEJ
I'm just in my feelings thinking about other people who have tattoos that didn't become saggy.
Laughter
Tara
Well friends, it is time to close up today. The jog up and down those high school steps and around town for our track practice, our running game of Manhunt, it is over. My guess is the clean laundry smell has been consumed by sweaty teenager smell from way back when…
But back to the reality of the present moment and Now’s The Time Podcast, ~ thank you everybody for coming here today. Thank you to our listeners. Thanks to those who make this happen. Most of all, Thank you Mel B.
MelB
You're welcome.
GEJ
Yes, thank you Spicy Mel B!
If anybody out there listening has any stories that you want to share reach out!
See you next time.
For more content from Tara, Jeremy and their guests please visit:
Jeremy's Instagram@jgsakapapa
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