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Daffodillies Down!

But not for long!

Twelve, almost thirteen moons ago, I promised 4 orated stories within a year. Each story was to be a work of "wordsmithery" - telling a version of how I untangled some complicated feelings that I had been unwinding...for quite some-while.

The first entry was titled: Rad Little Ladies and featured tulips. It spoke to motherhood.

The second was titled: Where the Golden Bees Dwell. It spoke to a trauma (or few) sustained in my childhood.

Both, related, in part to - 2 of my several tattoo choices. I believe tattooing, at least the way I do it, can be a healing ritual.

The orated series was to be figurative and creative in language; a means to express or explore a concept.

Mostly, an opportunity for me to find my style and still spread the word...

whatever the word was. Is.

Words that I collected from within me, perhaps from my ancestors, my educators, my experiences of life and living; then at the same time, applied to & over-

looking my legacy. In the end, to portray an as transparent as can be take -

a vision I put together.

It was terrifying...

to begin the hard part of story telling.

Especially hard to do BECAUSE I make my work so personal.

Let us not forget, I am abstract, bizarre at times and weird.

I own it.

It sometimes, complicates things.

Like, fitting in.

Also, I don't follow the rules of writing or speaking. I have my own tongue. My own language at times.

I am -


I SEE NO OTHER WAY AROUND this outlying nature of mine... IF I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT I HAVE SET OUT TO DO. Which, is to plant and grow seeds. Of knowledge. For me and my legacy. My definition of legacy is vastly different than the norm. Know this. Without a doubt.

I need to do it my way.

Even though on occasion, it IS the hard way; considered by some ancient or antiquated.

Stone aged as my youngest son says. this narrative...

I learned a lesson in time. AGAIN.

The lesson ultimately winds up being about compassion. Particularly for self.

4 orated stories were to be navigated by my reading, from my own voice, telling of my experiences. Lessons learned by me and mine. Shared as I integrated them within myself and applied them to our dynamic, here.

At home.

The dynamic over here,

where I reside & thrive in my "survivors gated garden" (a term from my soon to be published book: Scientific Poetry and Prose; An Abstract Prequel to The Talk and Tales of the Tattooed Women... Rough Draft "edition")... also, late to the press. Publishing date should be end of April.

Back to present time:

Here. Where I live with a family that I actively manifested a long time ago.

Right Here I live and be:

Mentally, emotionally, physically - and yes, spiritually.

*(MEPS) - an Integrative Wellness Academy term.


I am not going to be able to fulfill the promise of 4 orated sorties told and recorded within a year.

In the past, this *failure in my timing would have taken my mental and emotional status for a loopy and stressful, spinning kind of trip.

Not now though;

I am no longer new to these "grounds".

The grounds of mental and emotional tenacity, heavily assisted by the practice of balance & reframing.

If I were speaking in earthy terms:

the grounds of REFRAMING.

Reorganizing and making sense of:

shitty-manure-like plots - or - situations;

turning and poking, tilling and aerating-

so that with that toxic load,

eventually, potentially, I could make "great things" still grow.

Green thumb. Inherited from my birth mother. We could always relate on those terms. Find the beauty.

(REFRAMING)  - an Integrative Wellness Academy term.

(FINDING THE BEAUTY) - an Integrative Wellness Academy term.


Most recently:

I was laying in bed recovering from major surgery and feeling like a *failure for not making these 4 promised land-marks produce.

So, I did what I did then...

When faced with an internal kinked up situation that I couldn't quite understand;

I simply went outside;

when I was feeling a certain kind of way.

In this case, I was feeling as though I was a failure.

For YET AGAIN trying to manipulate *time.

To suite something other than true, authentic alignment within Me and Mine.

Frustrated that I missed the Mark!-

in the past, I would have had to totally resign for my mental health, from certain things.

Such as:

School. Work (paid or pro bono). Even from people I love...

When I feel a certain kind of way now, just as I did then,

I get outside of myself.

Even when I couldn't actually get outside; while I was laying up there, all day and night - in bed, feeling like a failure, I found a way.

It occurred to me one time.

I simply required my own skills!

So I did it. I closed my eyes and I brought myself through mental and emotional means to the outdoors.

Pulling up the memories of my Ocean Beach or my rural scenes.

Not with anything sometimes...

except my own mind.

These always help me to unwind.


Usually, the problems come when I am too deeply inside.

There are roots that need to remain a bit more shallow you know;

lest they rot all together and then away with it, they'll all have to go!


I came back "inside after being outside" and realized what it was I craved.

I needed some MORE balance.

A chiropractic and energy thing.



Just like I was taught as a little go outside and look for the clues.

To move my body this way and that...

In the air, up to the sun, swaying like there was a "we"; the elements and me.


I believe nature will guide us if we allow it to.

I believe nature will let us have signs or indications about "what's next".

Simply by us sitting still;

...and watching it.

We learn what to do.

Which path to take.


All we have to do is choose.


This year, I have had to choose for the sake of my overall wellbeing.

And…I stand to believe due to my training, that WELLBEING is contingent on a fine balance maintained and recalibrated regularly within our MEPS system. I liken it to an internal compass.

A way to measure our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual systems and adjust accordingly; with the goal being:

to function at optimal.

Optimal is defined and different for every single soul.

Actual tangible things that I have had to choose among, consider or be aware of, while calibrating myself within this last year, are:

my physical health, my family and my career.

This is not new to me. I've made these choices many times before.

To be with me and mine...until it all seems fine.

To come and go and travel in all the ways I do and among the MEPS system it can flow.

This is not new to me;

except, it used to be my mental/emotional health, family and my career. The things I had to choose among then... my body was always very compliant. Healthy. Willing to do hard work. OR even to do it all.

Interesting how things switch and turn, rolling around IN MY GUT like a FIREY ball;


I don't have any resentments or low/dense vibes or negative energy toward these choices any more;

These choices that I felt forced to make once upon a time;

for I have been wandering gardens filled with decisions needing to be made; beyond me, longer than a couple of decades; actually several more.


I had a glimpse of Daffodillies Down once already, but in yet another form:

A bit misty I do admit but the more I sit and think on it, the memories, the facts, the things in time, they stream, they start to roll in. No longer causing me an internal storm. I can remember great things now, on the dime. That is the liberty that neurolinguistics and neuroplasticity affords...


From the time my great aunt knelt down beside me, to remove the handmade blade of bone strapped to her right ankle...

“Perfect for cutting stems of daffodillies clean - from their original source,” She stopped with a ‘scolding’ eye, “…which is NOT A ROOT!” She excitedly exclaimed.


Like my mother, She was showing me about the natural ways of life:

...showing me exactly how to place my thumb against the freshly sharpened knife, and to press, with timing just so, never cutting myself once.

Palpation was a skill I inherited, you know.

It has served me well in my first career as a chiropractor and again as a short term; acupuncture apprentice. My hands. My best asset to date.


The flower would release, the cut would be clean, it would have no problem sipping.

Something beautiful and temporary, to take inside.

To help ease the mind.

To let the stress of separation subside.

My great aunt was explaining the term "gypsy" to she bent on that one knee.

Why exactly, I cannot recall but I remember it just the same.


My smiling and satisfied face lifting up from the bouquet of dillies in my sweet soft hands, searching for my Grandfather's safe eyes;

while his sister tended me for a bit on the other side;


I have a vignetted memory of it...something caught hold of him;

my grandfather leaning against his black and white truck door, resting his right arm just so;

outstretched over the mirror frame.

Twisting with his left hand, the farmers grain in feathered form.

Chewing it, rolling it between his lips;

rubbing his head that housed his brain, over and over again.

First removing the hat then tilting it back on its side.

Replacing it.

Switching it this way and that.

He did this.

I saw it with my own two year old or so, eyes.

I looked where he looked, up past those foothills, I tracked his thoughts there;

as he stared out into those valleys and mountains reaching up to the sky. A peculiar and relatable kind of glare.

He descended from them some time ago.

He thought he was about sixteen or so.

Just discovering his mother.

His mother;

she suffered in ways that mine did too;

Added to that, we had another - in common descendant- bound to this kind of story;

if only we all knew about the silent suffering…

the kind that makes a person take their own life.

I regret to admit,

I struggled, briefly too.

But I always refused to go no matter how loud those voices of inadequacy;

they tortured me though.


My grandfather…

he told me once the above but the below so many times, many a more:

About how he took care of what needed taken care of from what happened on those stairs. Then he relocated to the farm. That's what he did.

Started his own family. And began yet again, like placing a seed in the soil.

Yes, that he did. And he raised them, again he did!

He raised me too.

Maybe not in the same way as the other 6 or 8 or so...

Remember he paid his karmic penance...not once but twice you know.

Once separated from his mother and then again when raising his granddaughter;

from around about, here and there,

starting somewhere around two.


The Shadow Queen's Daughter.

Yes, that is me.


He had a very strong hand in raising my posture, picking me up, up up;

poking at me, to be big, strong and tall;


most very recently, I have had to take a pause as I successfully co-create this current time to be set still.

To be more like a daffodil.


With stillness,

at first I was frustrated.

But now I am resolved.

Myself, my family, my career, “the pull is constant my Dear”… I hear my great aunt in my ear.


What it takes is boundaries and checks and balances constantly looking everywhere.

Making sure the inside matches the out.

Making updates and changes, breaking and reconnecting, again and again;

changing the ways, even the form. Always recalibrating.


Last year I was bold; a rad little lady tulip.

This year, I am a daffodil, one that is currently down.

But not for long.


This year again, I do, for myself I go another round.

I choose me.

To rest.

Until I can get back up fully!

This year, I choose to hone in;

to narrow it down.

To nourish what I have sewn.

  1. Meet my own needs

  2. Meet the needs of my family

  3. Not to stop everything work or volunteer related ALL at once; simply because of old limited belief systems, negative internal rhetoric; instigating me and my "failure” mindset too. My imposter syndrome, looking around to see who is who.

LIMITED BELIEF - an Integrative Wellness Academy term.


What does this mean in short:

This year, I will have to guide and mentor Teen Team No Stigma and serve the fundraising for their 2024 Out of the Darkness Chicagoland Walk Campaign -


I am going to set an example:

Prioritizing and clipping out the things that feel a little more like work than authentic calling to get the mission complete; to get the job done.

Efficiency is key.

Setting some boundaries; allowing natural habits and growth.

Still accomplishing;

reaching the goals;

arriving to the desired "destination" ...

Yes, perhaps with some short cuts.

Some condensing.

Some re-prioritizing.

Not giving up.

Not giving in.

But giving only that of which I can truly give: without hurting myself or neglecting what is.


Creating: BOUNDARIES is my work this year.

There is no turning back.

There is no giving up.


I cannot feasibly meet my original 4 orated story, work promise so... I will let this 3rd entry of a sort, stand in place of number 3 and because it is long, number 4 too!

With a clap of the hands, that is off my list!

Weeding can be done quick, with a mental or physical twitch and flick at the wrist.


They will ebb and flow in all the ways: timing, energy level, topics... sometimes even quality. This will be a platform for freedom, you'll see. A space I have created for extraordinary, ordinary people doing really cool things; especially in the realm of mind body healing - to put in a word here and there.


Things are changing. Again! Stay Tuned!

Instead of trying to do it all by myself, I will contact my girl and negotiate what's next! Asking for help isn't so difficult once the pathway has been traced once or twice.

Most people I have found, can be really nice.




I will volunteer passively in 2024. I cannot do the physical hustle that I have done in the years of the past but that is not where my focus is at, at all!


Assist in obtaining 1 cohesive, quality raffle basket as opposed to over 13!

Makes for a lot less writing!

Plus there has been a start!

My son and another Teen Team No Stigma volunteer have already secured an inclusive Day at the Chicago Botanical Garden!

If someone wishes to help us gain wonderful, profitable items for this basket, please reach out!

Teen Volunteer Hours available. Harper Promise acceptable. Task: gathering goods and supplies, helping to assemble the basket.


Host one, instead of two, rock painting parties.

Save the Date: Sunday, May 5, 2024 - Noon - 2pm

Event is free.

Space is limited pre-registration preferred.

Age restrictions do apply, contact me to discuss.

Finished rocks are sold and all profits are divided among Teen Team No Stigma's personal fundraising goals.

Teen Volunteer Hours available. Harper Promise acceptable. Task: event planning, supply gathering, set up and take down.


Host one canvas paint party, space is limited.

Save the Date: Tuesday, May - 14, 7-9pm

Cost associated.

Registration required.

Details to come.

If interested, inquire within (email or text).

Teen Volunteer Hours available. Harper Promise acceptable.  Task: event planning, supply gathering, set up and take down.


Plan, organize and host a local Out Of the Darkness Chicagoland Virtual Walk for teens, parents and community.

Save the Date: September 14, 2024

Details TBD

Teen Volunteer Hours available. Harper Promise acceptable.  Task: event planning, supply gathering, set up and take down.


Ask for those who enjoy or find my writing, blogs, posts, voice useful, to consider making a flat donation to my and my son's shared fundraising campaign. IF you see that he has reached his goal, please consider shifting your energy and efforts;

your greatly appreciated resources to another Teen Team No Stigma Member.

Contact me if this is the case. I will guide you.

*see below for our personal fundraising page link!


Ask new and former Teen Team No Stigma members to participate independently this year or like me and mine, with a parent on the line. To do this, sign up under Team No Stigma lead by Lisa Baron Miller and aim for a $260 goal each! With my mentorship, we can work together to help each person reach this financial goal. If not, we can always adjust and make it a win still! Contact me to me if you wish to have personal guidance in this process.



This is my attempt at realizing my worth, doing less physical work, taking much needed down time to rest and heal, fulfilling my "Twelve Moons Ago Promise" of *4 orated stories and STILL help the AFSP.

Somehow, this no longer feels like a failure to me.


Adults may join Team No Stigma under leadership of Lisa Baron Miller and do their own fundraising if they so wish. It doesn't have to be just teens.

Frankly stated though, MY specialty and interest is in mentoring them. Getting to it from the start. Prevention mindedness has always been true to my heart.


So my garden friends, the ones who listen and sometimes read, about all the things going on inside and outside of me...

it will be until then that you see me, (the month of May, the month of Mental Health Awareness each and every day).


Till then:

I will be acting the part of a daffodilly down,

surviving the stillness,

despite the cold of the ground,

and will soon be ready to straighten myself back up;

mighty and tall;

shining bright,

lifting my nose,

directly to the sun.

Searching with my eyes for Grandfather Sun…




But not now. Because daffoldillies, sometimes need to lay down... yes this is true.

But not for long.



ROCK PAINTING: Sunday, May 5, 2024 - Noon - 2pm

CANVAS PAINTING: Tuesday, May - 14, 7-9pm

LINK TO JOIN TEAM NO STIGMA AND TEEN TEAM NO STIGMA (register under Team No Stigma, team Lead Lisa Baron Miller):


By “an Integrative Wellness Academy term”, I mean, I first acquired the knowledge of it through gaining my coaching certification through the named academy.


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